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This is Me

Hi, my name is Sarah!  Welcome to Suicide Can Suck It.

Let me begin by saying I’m so glad you found this blog, but I’m also profoundly sorry that you are here.  Being here means you are likely dealing with one or more of the following:

  1. You lost someone to suicide
  2. You are struggling with mental illness/anxiety/depression/PTSD etc.
  3. You are having your own suicidal feelings.
  4. You, or someone you know, is dealing with one of the first three and you want to know how to help or better understand what they (or you) are going through. (You people make my heart happy)
  5. You heard I’m a hot mess and thought you’d come for a laugh.

If any of these sounds familiar, you are in the right spot!  All of the above will be discussed very candidly and occasionally with cathartic humor here.

DISCLAIMER:

I am not a Mental Health Professional; I am not a doctor or a therapist and cannot tell you how to handle your shit.  I am unfortunately living with everything mentioned above though and have somehow retained my sense of humor.  I can tell you about the path I am walking through suicide loss and mental illness and hopefully you can gain some insight, comfort and a few laughs from my victories, screw ups and break downs.  But I will not be held responsible for screwing YOU up too, so I have to reiterate, I AM NOT AN EXPERT OR CERTIFIED IN ANYTHING, SO DON’T TAKE MY ADVICE AS FACTSI’m just a random lady who cries in grocery store floors and then writes about it.

So, what prompted me to tackle such taboo subjects so openly?

My husband of 22 years, Jeff, died by suicide on November 29, 2016 and it shattered my life.  To add to the devastation, just days later I found myself embroiled in the very legal situation that was the catalyst for his suicide.  Needless to say, these events took the anxiety I had struggled with all of my life, and bumped it up to an entirely new level of WHAT THE FUCK?  Jeff’s suicide and the horrific legal battle unfortunately left me with PTSD, frequent panic attacks, severe anxiety and depression. Good times, right?

I not so gracefully tripped, rolled and crashed my way through my grief and anxiety for almost two years before finally seeking professional help.  You cannot imagine the complete mess I was!  I’m not sure if I’d call that time period in my life “tragically funny” or simply just “tragic”.   There were some really epic breakdowns and panic attacks and a few close calls with suicide myself.

Just after the two-year anniversary of Jeff’s death I began seeing a grief counselor and also found a suicide loss survivors group that I liked.  Being in the group has especially opened my eyes to the fact that there are very few resources to help guide suicide loss survivors through their journey.  Talking to others has really helped me see that I’m not as alone as I feel.  They too deal with the stigma, blame, anxiety and depression; and they too feel isolated and judged.

I am sick and tired of feeling shamed and ostracized and I’m done allowing people to judge my late husband based solely on his means of demise.  I am done hiding the fact that my husband died by suicide and that I suffer from mental illness.  I am OVER the stigma! My husband killed himself; I now have severe anxiety and depression; why do I have to hide those things?  I shouldn’t have to.  WE shouldn’t have to.  I realized that most people out there going through what I was felt the same stigma on some level and that REALLY pissed me off!  People are assholes…

So, the name of the game here is support.   This website and blog are where suicide loss and mental illness are shared FOR REAL.  No sugar coating here!  I will write openly and honestly about my grief journey and my daily struggles with anxiety, depression and PTSD.  I will also be hosting guest writers who believe in what I’m doing here and want to share their stories in a very vulnerable way.

It won’t be pretty, trust me; I’m a chaotic mess on a good day!  However, I am finding better ways to cope and I’ll share with you anything that’s helped me: i.e. books I’ve read, interesting articles and of course all the insane stories of shit my anxiety gets me into (be ready to laugh!).

The goal of this website/blog is to bring more awareness to the plight of those left behind by suicide and also those suffering from mental illness.  I want to take steps to help wipe out the stigma.  Please subscribe to my blog and help me bring awareness and acceptance to those suffering from suicide loss and mental illness.  Let’s turn stigma and shame into love and acceptance.

I’ll start…here I am, vulnerable and on display, I hope the world is ready!

LEGALESE: All writing, photography and art on this blog, including poetry, is original work by Sarah Johnston, unless attributed to others. Unless otherwise indicated, all of the text content displayed on this blog is owned by me. If you would like to use a brief excerpt or a single blog post for non-commercial purposes, please credit Sarah Johnston and link back to this blog. For re-use of more than one post, please contact me at [email protected]